The Backwards Nature of the World

I'm sitting here with a Dr. Pepper that has about two sips left and a napkin that has a small bit of jelly on it from this morning's peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Beside that is Scott's Johnston which I am using to create a test that I am obviously procrastinating. And beside the Johnston and just below the napkin is a stack of papers. Atop this stack is a paper that I must have out at all times today (or at least have handy) so that I might be able to write in every morsel of food that goes into my body from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep.
I'm seeing a dietitian tomorrow, that would obviously be the reason for the stack of papers and the food journal. This packet contains general information that my dietitian should know before/during her first consultation with me. This is the second packet I have received from a dietitian (The first one came from a doctor whose packet alone sent me into a horrendous panic attack, and it was later suggested by a friend from EDA that I not see her.) and this packet is less intense but equally terrifying. I had to call a friend just to fill it out. These ten pages are coated in the brutal honesty that my ED mind tells me every day of my life. Hearing these thoughts in my mind and acting on these unspoken thoughts is one thing; writing them on paper and then reading them is another. Words such as "typical" and "good" and "bad" sent me into a tailspin of confusion, leading me to the conclusion that my definition of typical or good or bad is not comparable to anyone else's.

This piece of paper is staring at me. A big blank box that above says, "Please list everything you ate and drank from the time you woke up yesterday." (Yesterday is today, because tomorrow is when she will be analyzing this.) Inside this large box reads "1 can Dr. Pepper - 1:00 pm; 1 PB&J - 1:00". I look at the box. I look at the kitchen, knowing it is empty but contemplating one of the small bits of food in my pantry. But I look back at the box, and I think "I don't need food. That's enough for now." Now, while I would probably be restrictive today anyway (like I said, I have no food), I figure that this box is adding to the restriction.
I have been told by some friends to expect a meal plan when I walk out from the dietitian's office, and that probably scares me more than anything else about this journey. I thought about buying food today so that I could add something low-calorie into that box, but I figured that I might be better off waiting to get groceries since I might have to buy according to this doctor.
Another fear aside from the meal plan? Gaining weight. I made the huge mistake of weighing myself last week at a friend's house. So, now I am trying to be "smart" by losing weight before I go to the dietitian. On some level I believe that by weighing less I will have less that they will make me gain, and they will have me take smaller steps. Who knows, but hey... I like the idea of losing weight still, regardless of what my dietitian, therapist, friends, or family say. Sorry, Mom.
You would think that seeking out help for your problem would be a great thing. Right now? I just see this packet as one more reason for me to continue on with my ED behaviors.

Update

So, I have an eating disorder. I have had an eating disorder for 17 years. I have been "active" in my eating disorder for one year, but I have been struggling with food anxiety, anorexia, and even bulimia for what has basically been my entire life.
I have had doctors insist that I drop everything going on in my life for intensive inpatient treatment. I have denied this.
I am struggling a lot with this. Without the support of EDA, I don't know where I would be. Shout out to my EDA girls :)