Grapevines and God

I heard through the grapevine that my blog posts are somewhat perturbing to people. Apparently, I should give more respect and not put certain things out there. The question I was (indirectly) asked was, "Do you realize everyone can read that?" Yes. Of course I do. My retort: Do you realize why I want everyone to read this? I feel that people who know me should read this. I feel that people who suffer from chronic pain or abuse should read this. I feel that my family, in particular, should read this. This. These thoughts and collections of memories forever emblazoned in my memory should not remain there to haunt me like they did for all those years of my life. Even if no one reads this, at least I am letting it out in a healthy way. So, I say to you, grapevine, yes. I know that everyone who wants to can read this, and I am hoping that it sheds some light on why I am the way I am, because you obviously do not understand me.

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On another note, I heard on the radio this morning people talking about being so engulfed with their past regrets that they could not forgive themselves, and therefore, did not feel worthy of forgiveness of God. I struggle with this every day of my life it seems.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body," (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

This verse.  God knows that I have not treated my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit. I'm not sure if I even do so now. I fill my body with drugs to take away a small percentage of the scar she left me. Over a year ago I stopped taking medicine entirely, for reasons that shouldn't be spoken of, but the fact of the matter is that Newby saved me (and this ultimately led to my diagnosis, thank God). I question if I should be loading my the body that God gave me with man made drugs that fix a portion of the problem. Then I go without my medicine, and I cry and get mad at God, because my  the body that He gave me is inherently messed up. I cannot function without medication. This anger at God quickly shifts off of Him and all of my wrath is focused on what I see as the person who caused my pain, caused my anger at God, caused my inability to forgive myself for things I cannot even control. And here the issue of forgiveness comes in yet again.


Have I forgiven her? I say I have. I think I have. But I think what I feel towards her is the closest thing to hatred I could ever feel.

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you." (Matthew 6:14)

I'm not even worthy of forgiveness, because I am stuck in the world of blame. She did this to me. She made me this way. I would not have to do x, y, z if she had never been in my life. And as I'm writing this, I think my sentiments on the matter are beginning to change. She didn't do anything to me. God did. God gave me this life for a reason, a reason that I am not sure I am yet to understand. God will never give us anything we cannot handle, and I can handle this.
So, forget her. Forget what you perceive to be the catalyst to all of your problems. God set out a path for you before you were ever on this earth. He knew your life, and He painted it so that you might gain the most from it. I'm no theologist, but this is what I like to think. It takes makes me not hate the thing that I think defines me (which is actually a small portion of me and nothing close to a real definition). When I think about my life through the lens that she screwed me up, I feel screwed up and I get mad at her for it. Neither outcome of that is good. But if I think that God set me on this path so that I might serve Him better or so that I might understand Him better, or whatever is beyond my comprehension, I'm thankful for what once was that which screwed me up.

Forgiveness is a hard thing. Maybe if you just take the people out of the equation, and focus on the Lord, then you won't or shouldn't have anyone to be angry with, to put blame on, whatever. Then it's just God and His creation.

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl