Dear Ann,
What do you gain from me? I’ve only been behind every accomplishment and good thing that has ever come out from your life. Do you think you would have excelled in academics without me? Without me, you would not have even stayed in Latin. I kept you there, because it was so safe for us. I made Latin and myself your primary focus, which brought you great success in various competitions. You know I was the reason you did so well in college. Do you think that you could have graduated summa cum laude in five semesters without me? Absolutely not! You would have fallen on your fucking face. You know I was there at your job interview. Don’t lie to yourself. You know Dr. Ash hired you partly because of your achievements (which all can be chalked up to me) and partly because of how skinny you are (obviously you have me to thank for that). Your students think you’re cool and funny, because you care so much about them. I give you the ability to put them as your #2 priority behind me. If you were eating breakfast, then you would be late to work and not completely ready for the lesson plans for the day. If you were eating lunch, then you wouldn’t get things graded as quickly as you do. If you were eating dinner, then you wouldn’t have the time to make up the amazing activities for your students. Let’s face it, the only reason you’re good at what you do is because of me.
Think about your family. How dysfunctional are they? Your mother is an alcoholic. Your father is an enabler. Amy has an eating disorder. Nanny is an absolute nutcase. Do you honestly think that without me that you could have some handle on all that shit? There is no escaping your family, except through me. I have helped you escape their pain and abuse for years. Lord, imagine your life without me. It’s not as if you could handle the shit storm they constantly put you through without me? Plus, and let’s just be honest about this, Nanny has already threatened to disown you. If you get rid of me, then that could be a definite possibility. I know some other parts will disagree here, but I really am just trying to protect you from that abandonment. If you get rid of me, then you will probably be exiled from your family.
If you give me up, there will be consequences. Big consequences! You cannot do your job without me, at least not successfully. You will be spending all your time eating and making lunch and making snacks and preparing dinner. You’re going to be wasting a shit ton of time that you could be devoting to your students. Your family loves you now! Look at all the attention I have gotten you and your younger parts. I am helping all parts here. If you give me up, you will have no way of dealing with the pain and the hurt that you and your other parts will experience. Your family will not pay any attention to you. Amy or Jocelyn or Blair or someone else will get all the attention, and no one wants that. I know this sounds really arrogant and attention-seeking, but you will just be forgotten and ultimately abandoned if you don’t listen to me.
I hope you know what you’re getting into. I don’t trust you at all for being here. You better listen to me or you will face some serious hell. You don’t know a world without me. Don’t start to look for that world now. It’s too late.
Sincerely,
Your Eating Disorder
Dear Eating Disorder,
I understand your desires to protect me. I know that you have served certain functions in my life, and for that I am thankful. You have gotten me through emotionally taxing times. You were part of the reason I excelled so much in school and in Latin. It’s too much, however. I need you to back off. I know you think you’re doing everything in the best interest of me, but you’re not. I am going to have to take some risks. I need you to step back and maybe take on another position or roll. Please. What we are doing now isn’t healthy.
You have to trust me that these risks will pay off in the long run. If you step back, then I will be able to be a better teacher. I need to get healthy so I can teach. Remember when I was in the hospital because of you? If we keep that up, then God knows I won’t be the teacher I need to be. I know I am going to be putting myself out there emotionally as well, but I am trusting that the treatment team knows best. I think it’s scary for both of us to see how much I am eating and how I am not purging or exercising. I am nervous about this too. But please, trust me in what I am doing and in what Jane and Alyssa are saying. I know deep down that I will always be loved by my parents and by my friends. Mom and Pop wouldn’t isolate me because of Nanny. I know that a Part of me thinks that they did before and they will again, but they won’t. They are much more supportive now. They understand both of us better.
I am going to have to take the emotional risks by stepping out without you and your destructive ways. It will be mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing. But remember, all of this is going to help heal some of my Parts and make me more efficient at doing everything you helped me do before.
My life is going to be different without you. We need to learn new jobs for you that don’t hurt me as much. The people here are trying to help with that. My life needs to change. I am going to have to start a bunch of things over from scratch because there is too much history between us there. I know you don’t like me thinking about quitting my job, but that might have to happen. I know you don’t like me thinking about moving back in with Mom and Pop, but that might have to happen. I am going to be taking some steps towards living a life with better coping mechanisms. With that life, I will be able to succeed more just like you taught me to but without the isolation, physical destruction, social repercussions, and emotional detachment that came along with what you did.
I hope you know that I understand your fears, and that I often fear the same things as well. Sometimes you’re so loud that I don’t know whether you are talking or I am. I just need you to step off for a bit. Please. This will be the best choice for all my Parts, including you.
Thank you for what you did help me with, but I won’t be forgetting the pain that you also put me through. We can’t go through that again. Just trust me.
Sincerely,
Ann
