Old Draft Finally Published & The Puzzle Theory & Alex

I took a vacation to Virginia. I planned this for a total of 60 minutes before piling into my Camry with a suitcase. This is who I am. I am the girl who gets an itch to do something and does it. I like to do what I want, within reason of course. I don't like to be controlled; I spent too much of my life being controlled... but that's another blog.


I went to Spotsylvania, Virginia, which I feel happier when I call it "Spotsy"! It's a quaint little town, and I didn't come here for the tourist appeal. I came here to see a friend, someone I haven't seen in nearly five years. I'm sitting on his couch while he works the night away at TGI Friday's, and even though he isn't here right now, I'm so thankful to be here. I get a bit stir crazy, and I need to get away. Coming here was a great idea. My friend knows everything there is to know about my eating disorder. He knows more about my past than most of my oldest friends do, even the ones who lived through it with me. Most importantly, he genuinely cares about all of this. He genuinely cares about me. When I haven't eaten, he gives me this look, a look that lets me know he notices what's going on and he's wanting to be sure that I'm okay. He laughs at my silly quirks (when I first arrived he burst into laughter when seeing my need to turn around all of the nutrition labels so that they were not facing me -- then, he proceeded to turn around the labels on three different boxes of cereal!). He can sense when I'm weary about food, and he...

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I wrote what is found above at the beginning of March. I kept it as a draft, planning on publishing it in time. I never really got around to doing it though. The friend I went to visit soon became my boyfriend. Not long after that, we got engaged. Alex and I are the happiest couple in the world. Never have I met someone I am more in sync with.  We mesh perfectly.
For a long time I considered myself damaged goods, something that no one would want for a long time, just to tide them over, help them get their fix, and have them move along. I once told my therapist at Castlewood that being a victim for so long gave all my future boyfriends a free pass to beat the hell out of me. I called this "the puzzle theory".
The puzzle theory works like this: imagine a puzzle on the floor, a child has been working on it for months. One day, the child is careless and loses a piece of the puzzle. Then, he spills some soda on the puzzle. Slowly, the puzzle becomes more broken and less appealing. The child keeps working on the puzzle though, trying to make it beautiful. The child's dog eats a piece or two. Eventually, the puzzle becomes so mangled that the child doesn't care at all. It reaches a point where no one would even notice if the puzzle had any damage beyond what had already happened. That's where I was -- I was beyond the point of being put back together. Because of how broken I was, like the puzzle, no one would ever realize if more damage was done. This, in my mind, was like a free pass for every person I would ever let into my life to beat the ever living hell out of me.
Somewhere in all of this, I opened up enough to Alex to let him know the horrific happenings of my past. I've told him harrowing tales that once defined me, and he never saw me as the destroyed puzzle. He saw an ornate, beautiful, and intricate puzzle, one more fragile than most. He soon assumed the job of holding up a mirror, showing me what he saw, showing me that I was beautiful and I had not been destroyed by my past. He became my protector while always giving me room to fly and understand my independence.
Our engagement happened after 19 days of dating, crazy I know. But I know he is my world. He will never leave or forsake me. I know it's cliche, but I just know that this is God's plan for me. This is the man I have been praying for, and God brought him to me. I can't imagine my life without him. We speak the same language -- finishing each others sentences, making the same jokes with each other, and our communication is stronger than that I have with anyone. The way we communicate reminds me of how well my parents communicate, and that means so much to me. People might raise an eyebrow to what's happening between us, but I don't care. I'm finally focusing on having a happy and healthy life -- and being with Alex makes me happier than I have ever been, and he brings out the healthiest side of me!

Pure Goodness in Humanity

I lost some friends. I thought this would kill me, but it made me stronger.
I gained some new friends. I grew closer to old friends. I thought these friendships wouldn't last, but in a short period of time, these friendships have taught me what real friends are.
Because I have been strong enough to keep the mean friends away, I have (for the first time in a long time) started to trust, respect, and even love these new people in my life. Not only that, I feel that I deserve to have these people in my life. After treatment, I had a hard time loving people -- not just loving people in a romantic way, but loving anyone as a human. I had lost a lot of hope in humanity, and was afraid to put any faith, in anyone let alone care enough to love someone. The mere fact that I am starting to see pure goodness in people amazes me. Liking what I see in someone is something new, something I haven't let myself see in a very long time.

I thought it was easier just to assume that all of humanity had the capacity to hurt me and would if given the chance. I thought living life that way was safer, and safer was better. I don't care if it's safer. I like believing in the goodness in people. I like liking people. It's scary and it isn't what I'm used to, but I am starting to believe in a pure goodness in humanity.