What I Gained

On the day I decided to enter recovery, when I was still in denial about my problem, an eating disorder specialist who was pushing me towards residential asked me something I will never forget...

What do you think you will gain in recovery?

 

My answer, at that time, was simple. Weight.

As I traversed my way through EDA meetings online and met new friends, I soon learned the new things I'd gain in recovery.

• knowledge about how many calories you can lose via various ways of purging
• opinions on the most effective forms of purging
• new tricks on how to hide food, make it look like I ate more, etc.
• new ways to lie

Then, as my life continued spiraling out of control, and as my weight continued to dwindle, I started gaining new things without intending on doing so...

• perspective - a voice truly my own, not Ed's
• friends, friends who wanted to help me and were not there to give me tricks and tips, but to cry with me when I relapsed, rejoice with me when I ate, and encourage me when I had urges to falter
• my health, after a trip to the ER and a few bags of potassium and magnesium

And if you're wondering, yes. I have gained weight. Am I okay with that? I'll answer that later. But what I can tell you is that about a month ago in an EDA meeting I began to cry. I cried my eyes out. I couldn't stop. I just kept crying. People kept asking if I was okay, and a friend kept her arm hugged around me. It was in that moment that I was making a decision. This decision had been denied validity by Ed for 17 years. It was in recovery that my true self started to fight Ed on this issue. It was in that EDA meeting that I fought with Ed, not listening to a single story or confession or "Hi, my name is ____. I have an eating disorder." For 23 minutes, nearly half the session, I tuned out. I felt like I had two brains, two living beings inside of me, two people trying to control one body. Finally, Healthy Ann won.


It was that day that I decided I would rather be fat and alive than skinny and in a coffin.

I have tried to live with that core belief for a while now, and while it may not always appear that I am believing that with every fiber of my being, it is the sole thing apart from my family, my friends, and my students that is keeping me in recovery.

What did I gain from recovery? I gained a second chance at life.